


no one suspects that i'm not fine (and nobody outs behavioral frankenstein)

by leifstroganoff



Category: Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Self-Esteem Issues, bc its based on my own experiences and i dont THINK im aro but???, coder bfs if you squint, idk exactly what to tag this as tbh, its abt a struggle of feeling emotions and feeling like youre not Expressing Them Right, this might. be aro leif im not 100 percent sure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:20:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26788843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leifstroganoff/pseuds/leifstroganoff
Summary: Leif thinks he learned how to love wrong. Or he was absent the day they taught you how you’re supposed to feel orsomething.He just doesn’t get it.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	no one suspects that i'm not fine (and nobody outs behavioral frankenstein)

**Author's Note:**

> why yes im projecting through fanfiction as always but also. leif angst is kinda my brand  
> the title is from _imposter syndrome_ by sidney gish

Leif thinks he learned how to love wrong. Or he was absent the day they taught you how you’re supposed to feel or _something._ He just doesn’t get it. 

He’s been told his whole life that he’ll _‘just feel it’_ or he’ll _‘just know’_. But how is he supposed to know what he’s supposed to know… y’know? 

He thought he _just felt it_ with Abigail Hartley in the tenth grade, but he cringed when she kissed him and really just wished he had time to be alone. _Are you supposed to zone out and start thinking about the homework you have due tomorrow when you’re making out?_

He thought he _just felt it_ with Brandon Combes in his Freshman year of college, but he wasn’t sure how much of that relationship was him just being happy that someone wanted _him._ Maybe it was selfish to take attention when the pit in his stomach grew with any that he gave in return. He’s not really sure, but he does know that he felt empty saying the words ‘I love you’ and even emptier hearing them parroted back at him. _Are you supposed to feel like your emotions are a performance? More for the people you love than to express yourself?_

He thought he _just felt it_ when the cute barista asked him out and he said yes and they talked for six hours straight on the first date and maybe that one was the closest he came to _actually feeling it,_ before she ghosted him and, when confronted, told him he was ‘just a little too much, too fast’. That time he cried, at least, but he still felt a sick sense of relief that he didn’t have to act like he liked her anymore (and it shouldn’t feel like an _act_ , he _knows that_ ). _Are you supposed to feel like you don’t even know yourself?_

The closest he got to _feeling it_ was with Joan. It started impulsively, dishonestly, _thoughtlessly._ (Though, that’s not entirely true, he guesses, he thought about it _quite a bit_ before following through.) But he felt _so much_ in so little time and he felt, for maybe the first time, like he actually _felt it,_ like for once, he actually _knew_. When he was with her, there was no performing, no weird emptiness or feeling like he wasn’t doing enough.

He thinks maybe it’s because it wasn’t real. Not _really._ Sure, what they did was real, and the feelings he had were _certainly_ real, but they weren’t in a relationship. _“I love you”s_ weren’t expected of him, nor was casual affection or a true _commitment._ Maybe that’s why it was so easy to say he loved her. Or maybe he truly, honestly just _loved her,_ it’s hard to say. 

He knows he cried harder than he can remember crying before. He remembers Tobin knocking gently on his door, no doubt able to hear him blubbering through their not-so-thick apartment walls. He remembers warm arms quietly embracing him as choked sobs came up through his throat, soaking his hoodie before he could even process the arms holding him tight against his best friend’s chest. He remembers that Tobin didn’t ask any questions, didn’t press for information, just held him and let him cry.

He finds that Tobin is maybe the only person he’s never felt like he’s performing for, never felt like being around him took up all of his energy because he had to _act_ like the person he thought he was. Tobin just knew _him_ , the real him, flaws and all, and still stood by his side. Tobin had a way of making things feel easy. Even when he felt like his world was falling apart or like everyone was moving forward except him, stuck in stasis and staring ahead at all of his friend’s backs as they did _better than him, more than him,_ Tobin was there and laughing and making him feel better at every turn.

He doesn’t know if Tobin knows how much he appreciates that. He hopes he does.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading this is usually where i beg for comments (which you should still leave dont get me wrong i would LOVE validation) but it feels weird on this one bc its uuhhhh kind of experimental, kind of projection-y, very short compared to what i usually write


End file.
